[d33r]

As you may know now, I have left the Dev Team as of around the 6th when the teaming report was made. I don't have the message that I sent in Dev chat but It boiled down to I'm not going to continue giving to a community that spits venom back at me. Weather they want to say its their ironic characters or "just a joke" I didn't like any of it. Joining the server to have someone say "you suck" because I didn't agree to a change they wanted to the way people would say "yeah, why don't you go do that" coming off in such a sour way. I'm not going to put all this genuine effort into something and making the changes I want to see for people to tell me how they would have done it. Complaining to me that I'm nerfing something that is agreed to be too over powered or that I didn't make a change to something I didn't even make. So this is my "Formal" leave of TTT Dev.

Now my second reason is the age old, same old. Communication.
Lets forward to my staff app for a second, I want to explain my thoughts on the denial reasons like in my message to tiefling for context. So starting in order the first listed is

"You have a tendency to overreact to criticism and respond immaturely to things". 
All I can really say is proof? I have definitely responded to things recently immaturely for example with that RDM from puppies yet that reaction was because of them lying about the situation. With Overreacting to criticism though I can't think of a time recently where I have done that and I would love an example clip from anywhere showing that this is still an issue as this has been said on every application I've ever made. So I was aware to keep it mindful this time around. Same with the moment in #TTT chat with Murl, we clearly miscommunicated and my choice of ending the conversation wasn't one he liked. But I still think I was respectful about it where as Murl went out of his way to say "Grow Up".

"your motivations for staffing feel misplaced"
As you can see in the thread I again seemed to have miscommunicated my reason but I did make a second post to clarify those statements. Because when I had talked to Thaye, RyanHighMan, and Bunniey. They all understood what I meant, Bunniey specifically I remember talking to on the server about it how doing reports is more enjoyable and if possible I'd love to just do reports. Obviously thats not an option but by having these conversations I assumed these would reach the staff thread about my application. Though given that its being mentioned I'm going to assume it hasn't reached there or tiefling in particular disagrees with that sentiment. I'm not applying for mod or admin here though this is "Just Trusted", an argument thats been used for many of applications and have been accepted on those grounds. With just trusted I'm doing the bare minimum staff work at the most enjoyment of staff work. (and no I don't mean "work" like j*b)

"your aversion to responding in the thread doesn't lend well to staffing"
What more would you have liked me to respond to? This is a question to everyone now. I believe that my single post covering the main concern that I didn't really want staff if I spent most of my why section "yapping" as someone put it. I assume though this is in response to "if you want something explained just ask me on discord I don't want to reply on the forums.". Which was meant for the exact situation that happened where everyone projected onto me what they think of the staff role (it being more stressful, it being less fun), and what I said getting misinterpreted as something different to my intent. I talked about this to Thaye about how every time I reply to something directly it makes but more of a spiral of my words getting twisted that is MORE stressful that being trusted ever would be. Again thinking this conversation would have word spread to the staff thread but it seems like it hadn't.
What's pretty funny to me though is that like I said on my staff app, you can just message me. All of these questions could have been really easily answered away if asked directly in my DMs or on the forums if you really want me to talk on the forums more. Though I really think this point is just filler.

"there was concern about you continuing to use a map exploit on skeld after having reported it."
I honestly can't really believe this is a real complaint. Both of you had been on to attempt to fix it and then didn't fix it. I'm also sure not the only player or staff to report something and then keep doing it because its not fixed. Like using the baby on plaza to push yourself through an invisible barrier is something that I'm pretty sure you even do tiefling but I don't see you on often enough nor do I remember clearly. Plus not only that but Someone had got on the server at some point and raised the death barrier on the floor but didn't block the invisible platform or the surf ramps that you can use to surf out of the map. So thats an immediate assumption for me that like all the unpatched defib exploit spots that they don't care and it's free real estate. I was NEVER spoken to about me doing it multiple times being a problem and was not told there was even an attempt at fixing the issue where I could have definitely helped. Instead its thrown in as a extra little something to my denial.

"Staffing out of obligation will only burn you out faster."
Once again this is just projecting what you think onto me. I obviously am not you nor do I know you. That also applies vice versa though. As I said in my clarifying post I have no issues with this. I burn out of gmod for like a month before getting right back into it. Even if I'm not playing on the server I'm still actively making mods for other people through commission or for friends in private servers. Even look at my current hours (as far as I know) I have more hours on the server than most active staff at the moment. Even when I asked several players about staff playing the game Nelluc9 and Anxelic, With sometimes Thaye were the most common responses. Though I'm not going to double check the hours on this because from my memory as someone playing almost everyday these are the only people I think of for even "Active" staff. I've sometimes seen psycomike and bg more recently but still less than the first 3 mentioned. Yet with the time I put into the Dev team and the time I still put into the server off the Dev team this is just really disappointing to read the admin say. It gives me the feeling they don't even know that I'm active and have been trying to actively change.

Which from my perspective is true! Why? From my time on the dev team I would actively post in the dev channels about most of what I was doing and what I wanted changed. We as the devs communicated mostly well. I would be excluded when some new things were added such as a few playermodels and it then being thrown at me to be fixed "if I want to" (but if I don't someone's going to say "aren't you a dev?" and complain that I didn't fix the sudden additions). I pretty much never knew when new maps were being tested as a group until much later. The worst though was every so often tiefling would wake up and get on the server to give herself all the new items then ping anyone related in dev chat that something wasn't working even if it was working as intended but she wouldn't know cause I don't think she ever looks at the dev work proactively. We wouldn't know either because she would only come in to comment on stuff like signalis still being bald when the server hadn't even restarted yet. (the only time I know she proactively looked at the channel was me asking for JC to test the fix on live but she possibly only checked because she was getting on to make comments on the update that day) One of my main core memories from this was when we added the spraycan. Tdawg4 gave me a perma one while he decided what to do with it (rest in peece Tadmin4). tiefling's first response of course was to give herself one but she couldn't immediately find the perma one after seeing me use it so she accused me of hacking myself one when Tdawg4 literally gave it to me when It got added because I made it, does it NOT make sense for me to have one? Plus she made this accusatory claim in PMs which I should have screenshotted I can't believe I didn't so relay won't have it but maybe by gods grace someone clipped it because I refused to PM her back with such a dumb claim they thought to record what I was yapping about in vc. This really goes to show that there was a massive lack of trust with me even though I hadn't done anything nor have I done anything at this point. 

Now that suddenly since I've left Dev chat It seems that all trust is completely gone. I've asked virunas to add the last new melees I created before leaving but they haven't responded at all since. I've asked chibill to do it but he refused the first time and didn't tell me why. The second time I asked he said all this here . Are we really going to completely remove me from everything just because I'm not directly a dev anymore? The fact that I made all the items and provided everything before leaving dev it doesn't matter anymore as if I did nothing? Does this mean the christmas crate that I already had prepared is just going to go to waste now because I made it? I ask about it specifically because I've not heard anything about it. Chibill complaining in game is the only way I've been able to get updated on anything I left. For example a teaming report that I provided to tiefling on 11/17 which I've heard nothing since and only found out they were even looking into it because someone randomly liked the video. So I asked Chibill in game "So any updates on that teaming report?" This is obviously just meant to be shittery but I expected nothing less then "we are looking into it" or "we are debating it currently" clean and simple. Instead I got a full rant of "wow you submitted evidence but okay it doesn't involve you" so sure I could have said something in a less harping tone but this is just dissapointing. I'm sure I've annoyed Chibill at this rate with my annoying comments about the new melee weapons which I'm sorry for, but this is not the reaction an admin really should be given when asked for simply an update. I'm not asking for your admin chat cliff notes. Which I also need to clarify again that there is no leaker I don't have some funky alt in admin or staff chat. Predictability and Coincidences are not me having leaked access to it, please stop being schizophrenic about it.

So with all of that why was I REALLY denied? I emphasis this because of how tieflings message came off that she DM'd me on discord right here . Because to me it reads that the only reason she decided on a denial was because of me sending addons to dink. Plus what I hear though the grapevine she was the only one who really made this decision and it was only over this. Where as what I had sent to dink was nothing we hadn't already agreed upon or tested already (+ hotline miami ). What it shows to me is that she doesn't even believe in dinks ability to be a server owner because dink was nice with his letdown of me sending him addons and it was easily confirmed not to do it again. it took him less than a few days to tell me and tiefling over a week. I find this to be a non-issue because dink responded, but maybe he was flaring it up in admin chat more? I wouldn't know because (ironically) he was the only one who communicated this to me. The admins aswell were not communicating with us at all about how any of the new maps were progressing on being added. They didn't even tell us they were adding trainset and a_grassy_place on that day. They just did it, so no updates on all the maps people have been asking for back and no updates on the maps that the dev team gave quite the positive reviews for (add 67thwaysucks already). So since the admins are refusing to update us at all and its mutually agreed the maps were fine I saw 0 issues in this. She said its untrustworthy but it seems only she doesn't trust dink and he is the good guy in this section.

The players notice this mention it all the time yet instead its silent on the western front and for what? What is it that we are so afraid of to add back a map that everyone likes, Why are we too scared to message the person who just made a bunch of shit for the server. Like I shouldn't have to be complaining about this, making another thread to be tossed into my Addressing The Complaints In The Forums or a "Mr. Porky dinks lore v2" but blahaj didn't eat her own ass for nothing. All of this could have taken minutes to address but instead its left to rot and fester to this point in time where I'm back to believing I'm banned from getting staff ever again and they just don't want to tell me about it. Multiple people going out of their way to tell me I won't ever get staff for example: "If I'm being honest deer, our president will be paying taxes before you get staff here". Because you know what I'm really burnt out of? I'm burnt out of trying to help a community that doesn't believe me when I tell it I care about it. I'm burnt out of every post I make getting -1 and anything slightly against me or my friends is also instant given negative rep just because. I know nobody is gonna drop the staff chat thread about my app to actually maybe make me believe there isn't a massive cult around me not getting staff, but any type of proof that there isn't would be more appreciated than anything. I blamed the staff team as a whole a little too hard in my reply to tief I admit, a bad habit when discussing admin decisions. Even having people like Uncle Brahma who has "left" the community still coming out to drop a stinker that people blindly like when he's saying all I want is staff chat. Then having several people also tell me I should just lie on my next staff app like its a game you have to win by pleasing everyone in a certain time limit. If me being honest that I would enjoy the server more and that it would be less stressful as a staff member isn't good enough as a reason then I don't know what you want me to say. 

So that comes down to the avid question thats asked every time pretty much "What is your solution?". I have presented the massive lack of communication from the admin team and few things thats causing. Which honestly I assume they will shrug off and say something about dink or avoid it. Yet the players have noticed and they have been talking about it, the staff have noticed and they talk about it. I can't imagine what I can propose for you as a solution. While I can tell you what I would do as admin the things I would improve and the things I would implement I know I won't ever be given that chance as I was told "you'll never get admin because you piss too many people off". Dink seems to think I'm capable of some admin position though. I think we are past the point of him randomly passing an admin or two without heavy community influence. All I can ask of you is that you keep talking. What else can you really do when it seems most other outlets aren't there. I'm not saying harass people in their dms I'm not telling you to go out of your way. Just anytime something comes up such as leaving the map on skeld, make it a point to mention it was intentionally left in. If you ask me where hotline miami is or where the last two melee weapons are I'm going to tell you the admins have been showing strong opinions against adding them for no discernable reason. If you try to go out and say dm mods or admins randomly about not getting the new pets yet you are giving a negative impact to what I'm saying here. Also an example being this video of what's apparently a "severe" teaming warn, which I also didn't even know action was taken until a lower staff member told me about it (though looking back tief did say, "did completely forget about this, will warn in a bit") . that makes me think there are some heavy biases coming from tiefling. I also pick out tiefling specifically because from what Chibill and others have said she was the only one who made the choice. Plus the hacking report I made before my staff app is still up untouched even though as far as I know everyone is in agreement that he wasn't.

So thats my tall glass of tears from me being extremely saddened that we still can't communicate properly with the community, I'm immediately pushed away from knowing anything after stepping back, That trying to end my dink cycle of life with trusted after (i think) having a great dev run is shot down not because of the community but because of a single really biased admin (which is just how I've ended up perceiving this situation with what I've been given). Which I want to VERY CLEARLY state that this isn't about my staff app getting denied, I'm only using as the stepping stone to this larger issue that I've continued to witness being a regular player, staff, and Dev. Though I don't actually think anything will come of this or change or even be taken seriously given the past. All I can do is hope for change as It doesn't seem like any time soon I'll be able to make the changes that at least I would like to see following this post and the many before it.

Some extra things that I wasn't sure how to shove them in. I had made a report to tiefling about Jack using teleport to kill me when I had told him not to do that prior. She and Chibill kinda ignored this report entirely because of something he did in the video (least thats how it was perceived by me). tief said days later when I asked if anything happened they had talked to him but I have no reference of if they did that day or when it happened. I don't even assume they talked to him about using his staff commands because they only focused on the thing. I also doubt he got slayed for the false slay he gave me as I never saw it. My report on someone delaying for multiple rounds also received no response ever. 
Something I say right at the start is how player reactions affected my decision to leave the Dev team with a lot of what they said. I know this same similar thing happens as staff, people complain over a single slay even being in the wrong. They @ you in admin chat just to bitch you muted them for slurs. Is something I've dealt with before and is really funny when it happens. I know as staff its because I'm doing what I'm meant to, On dev it feels that people are directly attacking my work and passion. Someone calling me a loser for giving them a slay isn't impactful, Where as them calling me a loser because I nerfed the fist again is. 
I get this is a load of hoopla over nothing but please don't just say nothing ever changes like I always do. We don't need old players all tumbling on about how many times this has already been rummaged through. Jax's Addressing, My Addressing, And More have all dragged this on yet we are still here and we know that. somehow we stay content within that so clearly something IS working. Also none of this is to say what Virunas, Chibill, and tiefling do behind the curtains before the dust bunnies start the show. I don't know anything happening there and maybe its really good something that actually having major effects but at least I have seen nor heard of any of it. I'm not trying to make them the gods of evil especially not Virunas they were doing stuff for a good bit before tapering off into life. Which is great live that life girlypop.
Also is boombox still the only one unable to make a forums account? I noticed that prot-whatever has been the only new member for awhile and I'm wondering if thats an issue for anyone else. I've not heard from either Ryan in a long time so I don't know if its a real issue or not but hey we wouldn't know because theres no-one to communicate with.
In the end this IS just a game. I get that, you get that, we all do. This is still a community though, we are still people. When the leaders of that community fail us its not all about the game its about the people being affected by the leaders choices.

ps please give me donor+ or remove my donor rank back to supporter donor purple is just not as good of a colour. I've spent a quarter of my lifespan here and all I got is a spraycan and some jacks. and thanks bryanbrr for sharing his appreciation.

Also no tl:dr this time, If you don't want to read it (or at least some of it) then just skip this one. Nothing that hasn't been said before. and thus, it begins.
funny thing I saw by accident