[Dildo Shwaggins]

It was past midnight now, and I still had a while until I met my destination. The girl I picked up an hour ago was asleep in the seat beside me. She was a hitchhiker. I couldn’t leave a teenager alone at night in the pouring rain, I had to pick her up. She seemed pretty happy that someone was finally giving her a ride.

I didn’t know her real name, only that her friends call her “Jo.” She looked so calm, so peaceful. Her brown hair obscured half her gorgeous face, her lips flexed in a barely noticeable smile. She must be having a nice dream.

I tried to remember the last dream I had, but had no luck. Then, I felt it; a feeling I hadn’t felt in a long time. A terrible, ugly feeling. I looked down at the girl as I drove, hoping her smiling face might help me overcome and not give in to the demon within… but I could feel it clawing to get out.

I didn’t want to. I couldn’t. I needed to get the girl out of the car, but that would take too long. It would happen before then.

I continued to struggle, fighting an inner battle. Then… No. I couldn’t contain it. It happened: I let out the most monstrous fart I’d ever released. It was legendary. It was the kind of thing kids would tell stories about to scare younger kids.

I reluctantly looked to see if the beast that escaped my body had woken the girl. It hadn’t, but the smile had faded and she looked to be having a nightmare now.